Okay, let me say this right off the top…

I am VERY grateful that a VERY long search for just the right ceiling fan is OVER!

The search officially ended last Saturday sometime around 3:00 PM CST.

That’s when my wife and I finally found the right fan to replace an aging one that hung in our bedroom. The search had taken us to several stores and required quite a few internet searches, but we could never find the one that was right for us. That was until last Saturday, when we found the light we had been searching for, oh these many months at a little, out of the way lighting store!

The salesman was sharp and easily spotted my desperation.

He knew if he could just steer us to the right light/fan, he would more than likely make the sale!

“Take your time,” he insisted.

“And by the way…if you don’t find one on the ceiling, we have hundreds more to choose from in our catalog!”

A catalog!

That’s all I needed! A dead end store search that would lead to a catalog filled with hundreds of the worst looking ceiling fans ever massed produced overseas and shipped to this country!

I was determined to find one in the store that…

1. Looked halfway decent.

2. Hung from the ceiling.

3. Would circulate air when asked to do so.

4. And provide light from time to time!

And then it happened!

Much like the scene in the movie, “Christmas Vacation” when Clark finds just the right Christmas tree, we found the fan!

But, unfortunately just like in the movie when the son asks about if the dad had brought a saw, I noticed there was no light on this particular fan!

The search would have to continue!

Until…

The salesman indicated that most of the fans could be fitted with a light kit if there wasn’t already a light on the fan.

I’ll take it!

Hook us up with the fan, a light kit, a longer down rod and even throw in a remote control!

Then it happened…

The salesman asked, “Will you be installing this yourself?”

“Yes, of course”, I replied, using the best master electrician sounding voice I could muster!

I don’t think he bought it! Oh sure, he knew I was going to ATTEMPT to install the thing, but it was clear that his level of confidence in me actually getting it done was rather LOW!

To be fair, maybe he could sense that he was looking at a guy who could draw a nice picture of ceiling fan, but when it came time to hanging it and hooking it up to an electrical supply, he should leave it for a pro!

I quickly countered with my track record of successful ceiling fan installations that I had completed in my lifetime!

Okay, it isn’t a long list, but I did install the one we were now on the verge of replacing… that should count for something!

“Alright, but here is a card with a number on it that you can call seven days a week…just in case you run into trouble and need some assistance,” said the salesman. (He probably wanted to cover his you-know-what, in case my widow wife decided to sue his you-know-what for letting a clearly unqualified guy walk out of his store knowing he was in for the shock of life!)

So I took the card and told him how reassuring it was to know that somewhere in India there was a person with the ability to troubleshoot any problem I may have with the installation process!

The purchased was finalized, the car loaded and we headed for home!

It was getting a little late.

Much too late to begin a project that required clear thinking and a steady hand!

Installation would wait until the next day!

Sunday arrived and following church, it was time to get down to business!

I gathered all necessary and a few unnecessary items.

I had my ladder.

I had my screw driver.

I had my wire cutters. (Yes, I own a pair!)

What was I forgetting?

Oh yeah, turn the power off to the bedroom!- Check!

Demolition would come first. Why is it always the most fun part of a project?

Then it was time to walk the walk…time to put up or shut up…time to show I had the right stuff!

Installation time!

Now I could bore you with the hundreds of technical details, but I thought I ‘d let the pictures speech for themselves…

The old one.

The new one, just waiting to be installed!

Demo has begun!

Did I remember to turn off the power?

Lots & lots of parts!

Okay, where did I put that "Help Line" number?

So far, so good!

Blade installation has begun!

Not there yet!

SUCCESS!!!

I am happy to report that the installation process took only FOUR hours to complete (over two days), no one was injured, the “Help Line” was never called, the fan didn’t crash to the floor AND it works!

Upon the successful completion of the project I struck this pose on top of my ladder…

"I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!"

Going Low!

Thirty five minutes.

Thirty five lousy minutes.

That was all that stood in the way of me and everyone else living in the Twin Cities from being part of history!

We were close!

Or as Maxwell Smart used to say, “Missed it by that much!”

I’m talking about the record for the latest sub-zero ever recorded in these parts! January 18, 1889 was the record we were shooting for and darn it, we almost pulled it off! You see, we really haven’t had much of a winter this year. It hasn’t been anywhere close to a typical “MinneSNOWta” winter. If anything, it’s been more like Tulsa or Oklahoma City. Very little snow and what we have received has quickly melted away with our mild temps in the 40′s and 50′s. Relax, Florida Department of Tourism, you are in no danger of being replaced anytime soon as a winter getaway destination, but some of us are basking in our unseasonable warmth!

You see, we had a “brown” Thanksgiving.

A “brown” Christmas.

And a icy-white, quickly fading to brown, New Year’s!

Remember the UPS advertisement of “What can brown do for you?”

Well for me, it means no shoveling, sliding on the ice or adding an extra layers of clothing!

So heading into Wednesday the record was in sight! All we needed to do was stay at zero or above until midnight at the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport and the record and glory would be ours!

But there was trouble coming!

Trouble in the form of a cold front that was quickly moving in from the northwest and with it the promise of sub-zero temps!

My son, who goes to school in Fargo warned me of what was on the way, but all we had to do was make it until midnight!

Forecasters were optimistic of our chances! They were calling for sub-zero temps AFTER midnight, which meant the record would be set!

However…

Around six o’clock the front moved through the area with a quick burst of snow, followed by somewhat strong winds. Clearing skies meant we were bound for a cold night, but could we hang on until midnight?

Ah, no.

Despite our best efforts, at 11:25PM the temp at the airport hit minus one!

And with that we missed our chance to break a record that had stood for oh so many years! And to make things worse, we woke up to a temperature of minus eleven degrees and a windchill somewhere around “grab every piece of clothing you’ve got and put it on!”

The good news…

We were nowhere near the record of -34 degrees for this date AND we still don’t have much in the way of the white stuff.

The bad news…

Forecasters are predicting the first week of February may be the coldest of the winter. Apparently, a big lump of cold air over Alaska needs someplace to go and it’s heard Minnesota is a pretty nice place to visit, at least this year!

Going Away?

Let’s hope we don’t have to, but if the recent filing for bankruptcy by Hostess Brands is any indication, we may have to without the pleasure of eating a cream filled Twinkie in the future.

Why bankruptcy?

Hostess is deep in debt, mainly due to health care and pension costs.

In addition to Twinkies, they also make Ding Dongs and Wonder Bread.

Oh the humanity!

Maybe our waistlines will be thankful!

Say it ain't so!

Going For A Drive…

Son number two begins driver’s ed in a few weeks so I thought I’d take advantage of our lack of snow and get him some time behind the wheel.

We headed to a nearby church parking lot that is large enough to land a jumbo jet and has plenty of room for a new driver to get his feet wet. I had taken my oldest son to the same place way back when he started this process and he turned out to be a pretty good driver, so why mess with success?

Having gone through this process before also meant I could relax a little bit more this time around. Nothing but calm, cool commands!

He drove for about a half hour and everything went well!

Going Postal…

Recently, I had to mail a package at our local United States Post Office.

I live in a city with a population of 60,000.

Upon entering our beautiful postal facility, I was faced with a line that was almost out the door (this was post holiday by the way) and only two employees working the counter.

I would like to stay those two employees were doing their very best to get us through in a speedy fashion but…nahhh!

After a fifteen minute wait, some good news…a third employee was coming on duty.

The Marines have landed!!

Not so fast!

He relieved one of his two co-workers, which meant there were still only two working the counter!

A few days later and with another package to mail I wanted to avoid that post office and so instead I went to one in the next city over.

A city with a population of around 20,000.

This time I was greeted with another long line and ONE employee working the counter! A very pleasant man who loved to chat with every customer. But his good intentioned stories and banter meant another long wait for me!

So I waited annnnnd waited!

With time on my hands I began to recall the news story I had seen recently about how the Post Office is losing money at an alarming rate and they had come up with a great new plan to compete and return them to profitability.

A plan, a plan…what was that plan?

Oh yeah…

To get SLOWER!

I had heard all of the stories…

Sprained ankles.

Broken finger.

Messed up knee that required surgery.

Despite these I went ahead and did it anyway.

I signed up for co-ed volleyball at my church!

My team’s first game of the season was last Thursday.

The last words I heard when I was leaving my house for the game…

“Don’t wind up in the emergency room!”

My response…

“Don’t worry, I’m not diving for any balls!”

That was my plan to avoid injury, don’t dive for anything!

No matter if it meant the deciding point in the deciding game!

NO DIVING ALLOWED!!!

You see, I learned that lesson the hard way a couple of years ago while playing a late night game of “Pin Guard” (a game similar to dodgeball) with a group of Boy Scouts at a lock-in. Sometime around two o’clock in the morning, in what was probably the twentieth game played that night, I thought it would be smart to dive and catch a ball so two of my fellow teammates could re-enter the game!

It was a critical of “Pin Guard” after all.

In my mind it was a beautiful dive.

Going to my left.

Laying straight out.

Reaching for the ball with both arms extended, much like any great NFL receiver would do!

Except…

I dropped the ball.

My two teammates were left on the sidelines.

And I landed hard on my left hip.

That incident required a trip to the doctor and I was left hobbling for the next six months!

(Thank goodness it was a carpeted gym floor!)

I might add…I still occasionally have pain in that hip.

So I didn’t need to be told twice about the risks of thinking I’m the second coming of Karch Kiraly (world famous volleyball player).

So no diving.

However, that does leave jumping.

Last time I checked, jumping is also a key part of playing the game of volleyball.

But seriously, how risky can it be for someone my age to simply jump up into the air and land safely on my feet?

VERY RISKY!!!

It was the third game of our match. We had split the first two, so this was for the win. About halfway through the game, I was playing the net when I attempted to block a shot. I jumped high into the air (at least a good three inches) and came down on my right foot or should I say, the SIDE of my right foot!

I saw it completely rolled over.

I heard a CRACK!

I felt the pain.

My first thought was that I had broken my ankle and had just gotten my ticket punched to the emergency room!

Thankfully, the worst of the pain only lasted about a minute and I was able to get back on my feet and finish the game. I thought if I had broken it, then I won’t have been able to do that.

I dodged a bullet!

No trip to the ER!

Except…

During the night the pain got worse and it made sleeping very difficult. I had the chills and felt nauseous. I was thinking, maybe I did break something. The next morning I was unable to get out of bed due to the pain and the fact that I felt as if I was going to pass out! Following a couple of failed attempts, I did something I NEVER do…I went back to bed! Finally, after a few hours of sleep, I was able to get up and not pass out. A hot shower helped my foot feel better and soon I was able to walk, although it was a hobble. Gradually, it loosened up and I was able to walk pretty well.

The following day it felt better and I even thought about going for a run…nah!

I rested it a couple of more days before hitting the treadmill and running a couple of miles.

It doesn’t hurt to walk or run on it, but it is still a little sore when I put side pressure on it.

The good news…

I played another game last night.

The ankle did fine.

And I didn’t make a trip to the ER!

Game On!

The Mayans

Tis the season for making promises that more than likely will be broken within a few days or weeks. Yes, I’m talking about the dreaded “New Year’s Resolutions”. In the strip both Dave and Max had to confront the issue as did I and I’m assuming many of you. But last Saturday there was sense of urgency and added significance when it came time to list my “to do’s” for 2012.

Why?

Because it’s 2012 and according to some, we won’t have to worry about 2013!

Yes, the ol’ Mayan calendar comes to an end on December 21st of THIS year!

My pastor recalled a funny joke about the Mayans and their calendar during his sermon last week.

It went something like this…

One Mayan is chiseling the calendar into a stone tablet and says, “I’ve run out of stone!”
The other Mayan says, “Boy, is that going to freak some people out!’

The congregation laughed.

But sadly, there are probably people out there that actually think that our beloved planet Earth will be hit by some rogue planet or a “killer” solar flare or even be subjected to a catastrophic geomagnetic reversal.

What?

You don’t know what geomagnetic reversal is?

Go watch the movie, “2012″ and you’ll get your answer! Oh yeah, one of my cable channels just happened to run that very movie over and over and over on New Year’s Day! Guess we better start heading for the secret arks that are no doubt being built as you read this in of all places, China!

What?

You don’t know about the secret arks?

Better watch that movie!

Okay, so I don’t actually believe that the world is coming to end anytime soon, but it did get me thinking, “What if…”

So I put together my list of things I’d better get done before December 21, 2012.

Here we go…

One thing that tops my list is to get a stupid hole in one! I’m always been the bridesmaid or the witness on this one. I’ve come as close as one inch on a couple occasions and had several trickle up to within a foot, but NEVER had one drop into the cup! Heck, I’ve witnessed two by neighbor, “Sparty Pete” and three by own father! By the way…number three of my fathers was with his first swing of club I had just given him for Father’s Day…true story! I resolve to get one before December 21st!

I resolve to lose twenty pounds.
(Don’t we all?)

And if successful with the weight loss, I resolve to run the Fargo Half Marathon in May and the Des Moines Dam To Dam in June.

Why Fargo? Have you been there? It’s FLAT!

Why the Dam To Dam since technically this is not a new resolution since I’ve ran the thing about five times?

Well, this year there are some changes to the route with a finish that will take runners over a pretty cool bridge that crosses the Des Moines River. I resolve to do both.

Speaking of running…

I resolve to run a full marathon after turning the age of 50.

I turn the half century mark on September 6th…looks like an October marathon will be on the calendar!

I resolve to look down upon the world from 13,444 feet one more time! The view from atop Cloud Peak in the Big Horn Mountains of Wyoming in 2010 was breathtaking and my son’s Boy Scout Troop just happens to be heading there again this August…I want to be there!

Speaking of Boy Scout trips…I was fortunate to be able to sail the Florida Keys with my oldest son a couple of years ago. I resolve to have the same memory with my other son. Anchors away in June!

I resolve to mail my sisters birthday card early this year. (Her birthday is December 22)

I resolve to visit Hawaii when it’s warm there and cold here.

I resolve to no longer have to deal with thousands of dry pine needles from a tree that was in my living room!

I resolve not to ever watch Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin again on New Year’s Eve!

I resolve to watch a Pauly Shore movie from start to finish. (If one is not available, the movie “Cabin Boy” will suffice…also, I plan this for sometime AFTER December 21st!)

And finally,I resolve to draw more cartoons in 2012.

So there you have it!

My “To Do List” for the coming year.

Time will only tell if I’ll get the full year to complete everything!

I look at it this way…

If the Mayans are wrong, then I can shove a few of these things into 2013 and beyond and if they’re right, it should be a heck of a show on December 21st!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

For The Rest Of Us!

If you are a fan of the TV show, Seinfeld, you are probably well aware of the special meaning of December 23rd.

If not…

December 23 is when “Festivus” is “celebrated.

What is Festivus?

Well, it’s for the rest of us!

What does it include?

Three things mainly…

There is the “Festivus Pole”.

And there is the “Airing of Grievances”.

And of course, the “Feats of Strength”!

If you think things don’t always go smoothly during Festivus, you are correct!

Who is responsible for all of this?

On the show, that would be George’s father, Frank Constanza. It was Frank who informed Kramer of the “holiday” and decided to bring it back, much to the dismay of George.

In reality, the honor goes to writer, Daniel O’Keefe.

According to him, one day it just popped into his head!

Oh yeah, O’Keefe’s son, Dan, was a writer on Seinfeld.

Mystery solved!

A little trivia…

Festivus was originally “celebrated” in February. It was changed to December 23rd when written into the Seinfeld script.

By the way, the original air date of the episode was December 18, 1997.

Festivus...for the rest of us!